Wedding Bells

I attended a wedding yesterday for a long-time friend of mine and was so excited that I was able to go. The wedding took place in New Jersey and it just so happened that I was going to be in town anyway for a family reunion at the beach, so the timing worked out perfectly (actually, it worked out even more perfectly because a friend of the family passed away so I was able to attend the viewing as well).

The wedding was held in an episcopal church in northern NJ and I'm fascinated in the differences between our two denominations. I'm also fascinated by the similarities. It was a beautiful reminder of how regardless of polity, we're all playing for the same team.

My senses were heightened yesterday for many reasons. First of all, it's still kind of a surreal experience to be at that age where so many of my friends that are the same age as me are getting married and some of them even have kids now. Secondly, I have yet to officiate a wedding, so I'm paying close attention to wedding ceremonies to get ideas and inspiration. Thirdly, I was keenly aware of the sounds around me.

The church where this wedding was held is in an urban setting. That comes complete with all the urban sounds. Not too far out of sight is a trauma-level hospital, so at a couple points during the service we heard sirens. At another point, one of the scripture readers had to pause because a plane was flying so low overhead it made the walls shake. But then, when the priest began her homily, the world around us seemed to go silent except for the sound of the birds in the church yard. As we moved from the homily into the song "Joyful, Joyful We Adore You," it was clear to me that the Holy Spirit was in that place.

Marriage is an interesting thing and it's something that has come under such scrutiny over the last several decades, particuarly in the GLTB communities. The other day, NY legalized gay marriage. They are not the first, and I'm certain they will not be the last. A pastor friend of mine once said to me to remember that marriage is a civil institution first; then a church celebration. He didn't deny that marriage symbolizes the relationship between the church and Christ, but he also said that in legal terms, marriage is a civil institution. In order for a marriage to be legally recognized, even pastors have to follow the rules of the municipalities. I find myself agreeing with his statement to a certain extent, but I'm still torn regarding what I really believe about marriage. My church polity tells me that marriage is a religious and whole union between one man and one woman before the sight of God. But something in my heart just feels so broken when two people who love each other are forbidden to get married in a church that they love so much.

I hesitate to even write about this, and I'm really nervous doing it because I am a pastor and I do uphold the polity of the Presbyterian church and I do hope that people understand that even though pastors pledge to uphold the polity of their denominations, pastors are still human beings who are subject to the same questions of interpretation nonpastors are.

I read an article on cnn this morning (http://www.time.com/time/nation/article/0,8599,2079861,00.html?hpt=hp_t2) that talked about whether or not marriage is really marriage if the church still won't recognize it. It made me so sad to read it (I didn't even bother to read the comments because the comments on religious articles on cnn are generally so hateful and angry I just can't read them anymore) because as a pastor, I want people to feel welcomed and loved in a church. Not rejected. To coin a phrase from Dan Kimball: I want the church to be better known for what it's for instead of always just for what we're against.

What is marriage about? Marriage is about making a pledge to unite two souls in a unqiue and special way in the eyes of God. It is about pledging fidelity and wholeness in the midst of adversity. It is about pledging the kind of love between two people that Paul admonishes us to have for each other in I Corinthians. Marriage is a symbole of the relationship that Christ has to the church as her bridegroom. Hate destroys marriage. Jealousy destroys marriage. Lack of communication destroys marriage. Divorce destroys marriage. What is it about marriage between two men or two women that destroys marriage?

Marriage is legal and religious. People who are married before the justice of the peace without religious implications present are still participating in something that cannot be legal without the religious. And those who are married in the church cannot have the religious without the legal. The legal and the reglion is bound up together, woven together in what we hope can some day become harmony.

I'm still on a journey of self-discovery to understand what I really believe about the insitution as marriage as it relates to the GLTB community. I'm also still on a journey to understand what I believe about the ordination of the GLTB community now that the language of our denomination's polity has been changed to pave the way for it. But I know this much is true for certain: God loves each of us and while there may be times He doesn't like us very much, He ALWAYS loves us. God formed each of us and knew each of us in the womb and before the womb. God took special care to mold us, piece by piece, into the beautiful men and women we are all to become. We are made new creations in Christ and we are all a work in progress because whatever we become, God is never quite finished. That's what I believe about a living, active God.

I encourage you to keep an open heart and open mind and be honest with yourself with what you believe. As you form (or hold onto) your opinions about what marriage means to you and what it means to the GLTB community, I encourage you to really read scripture, read articles, talk to people, and in essence "do your homework" so you know why you believe what you believe. Most of all, greet each other in the name of our Triune God with all the love of Christ in your hearts and treat each other with grace as God has given us grace so freely.

Yours in Christ,
Pastor Becki